“Film” Review: Cats

Originally published December 21, 2019

Cats is a horror film directed by Tom Hooper (The King’s Speech, Les Miserables)… …OK, it’s a musical about cats introducing themselves to get picked to die less egregiously than they would otherwise. It’s functionally a horror, absurdist comedy and softcore porno. I was terrified from the moment these “cats” appeared on the screen. Then Rebel Wilson started eating anthropomorphic cockroaches, 95 percent of these cats were on the verge of having a really good time and Jason Derulo yelled “MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILK” at the top of his lungs.

This film is a mess. The theater could not stop laughing and cracking jokes. Another guy in my row read a newspaper the entire time. My ticket was free and I still want my money back. Just…look at this!

And it looks so much worse on a big screen.

In the stage musical, the actors wear costumes that make them look like cats. The movie opted for the most unsettling CG ever committed to film. The actors are covered in CG fur and have CG ears and tails. They still have human hands and feet. They lack genitalia entirely, which is a problem when the actors spend most of the film naked. They’re eldritch abominations that need to be destroyed. The way the actors move isn’t even cat-like; it’s more similar to the result of a human and cat getting trapped in the machine from The Fly and getting spit out halfway through the transformation because of a malfunction. It will haunt my dreams for a long time. Possibly forever.

And it is literally unfinished. They’re patching this mess like a goddamn video game. The only slightly redeeming features of this film are Andy Blankenbuehler’s choreography and Francesca Hayward’s performance as Victoria. Blankenbuehler choreographed the 2016 musical revival on Broadway and the film’s choreography is confident, grand and almost operatic in scale. He especially nails a tap dance number toward the end of the film.

Unfortunately, Christopher Ross’ cinematography completely disrespects the choreography. Ross shoots most of the film in closeup, preventing the audience from seeing most of the dance work. It’s an odd choice for a genre that is almost exclusively shot in wide shots that allow the viewer to see the choreography — what a concept.

Francesca Hayward is underused. She’s a principal dancer at the Royal Ballet in London and makes her film debut here. She deserved better. She’s one of the few dancers advertised from the film, but most of the exciting footwork is delegated toward other actors and dancers. This is nothing against the Les Twins or Steven McRae, who all have moments in the spotlight, but Hayward is just kind of there for most of the film. None of the other actors work. James Corden plays Bustopher Jones as James Corden. Not even a heightened version of himself, just his usual dickish self. Rebel Wilson does not work as Jennyanydots and has a fursuit on top of her actual fur (??????????????????????). Jason Derulo is alright as Rum Tum Tugger, but that’s about it.

Cats is the worst film I’ve ever seen. It’s an hour and 49 minutes of sheer torture. I’m half-convinced that was the point.

Final score: 0.7/10